dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
