she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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