got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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