Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
