i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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