Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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