apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize