I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
