So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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