Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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