I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
