Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
