Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
