Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
