Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
