My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
