All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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