I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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