My hand turned me down
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
