Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
