A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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