I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
