I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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