Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
