Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
