He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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