Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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