No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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