and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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