I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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