You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
