im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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