i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize