Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
