i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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