So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
