wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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