I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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