The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
