Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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