its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
