it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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