Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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