U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
