My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
