walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
