And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
