Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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