Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
