Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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