i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
