i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
