What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
