The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
