i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
