At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
