Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize