Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
