The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
