she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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