the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
What a dumb baby whore.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
