I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Randomize
