this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize