I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
