my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
