dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
