Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
